Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Whos there? Why did the golfer have to change his socks? By stragetically placing fire hydrants. Lift your head and spread your legs. Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. If you break 80, watch your business.". Because subtraction speaks louder than words. Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand? He couldnt stop puttzing around! To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Why not! What is a golfers favorite bird? How do you know you should be a golfer? Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. "I was married to her for 35 years." 2. when we were married," said the pouting wife. Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it. And there are windmills. I'm pretty good with my short putts. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. How about grabbing two of your friends so we can play a foursome? In case they get a hole-in-one! Apparently, you cant get out of here with a seven. 21. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Get in the hole! Joe Posnanski, Over the years, Ive studied the habits of golfers. That's mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word foryou get the idea. If I learn that you are a fan of diving - I would suppose that your psychological portrait includes such features as curiosity, patience, and insistence. What Is The Difference Between a Golf Skirt and a Tennis Skirt? 4. Funny and dirty medical pick-up lines and doctor hook-up lines. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. 21. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. Knock, knock I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyones game: its called an eraser. Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. -Bob Hope What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough? USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? What does a golfer do on his day off? You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. . Just as in life, you are presented with options; its up to you to decide which ones suit you best. Sandra Haynie, 30. You can enjoy both of them even if youre terrible at it! Hit the ball. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesnt make much sense. Steve Alten, Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Enjoy! Everyday I'm Schauffele. They like cricket better. Whats a golfers favorite nightlife activity? A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. Billy Graham, Show me a man who is a good loser and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. A shot that goes in the cup is pure luck, but a shot to within two feet of the flag is skill. Ben Hogan, 5. Well, I bet that these Knock Knock Golf Jokes can knock you up in the ground laughing! You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. If you break 80, watch your business. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. So what are you waiting for? Joe Tessitore, The least thing upset him on the links. Fear comes in two packages fear of failure, and sometimes, fear of success. Tom Kite, 21. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it is disgusting to watch. He attacks it. "Golf is like a love affair. Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. Why dont grasshoppers play golf? Knock, knock What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. Bruce Lansky, Author. A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Funny common dirty golf pictures meme Matching search results: #8: I never had one thought all week. Boo who? Required fields are marked *. The smile looks really good on you. Photo: Shutterstock. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.". It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you're a bad golfer. Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines. Why a carrot as a logo? I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. I've been playing golf all day and would love to make you my 19th hoe. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. Its just really hard to play. 3. 19. If we weren't, we'd take up a less infuriating hobby, like knitting. After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen. Chuck Hogan, Dont play too much golf. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Wash your balls. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. How we get there is as important as where we go. Old Tim Morris, 6. Joey Adams, It takes exactly eighteen shots tae polish off a fifth o a bottle o Scotch, thus, a game o golf equates tae eighteen holes. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Even though youre a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. I am a Musician. "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. What did the duck say to the golf ball? He was puttering around. If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. And three, have a passion for what youre doing. Juli Inkster, 28. Wodehouse, The value of routine; trusting your swing. In case he gets a hole in one. How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? Id cry too if I played golf like you. A two-foot putt to win a bet or a tournament or a Masters is another thing entirely. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. Well, what can you really say about the great Chi Chi Rodriguez's quote? Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. 2. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. Does a bear crap in the woods? Whats one tip all golfers should follow to improve their game? I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. 6. Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Andy. 3. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? Dean Martin, He loved the game. The true funniest golf quotes of all time are likely never put to paper and aren't spoken by golfers or celebrities. In your approach to golf, no one can tell you what to do. What do golf and sex share in common? Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. Jim Bishop, I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. Fore-get Me Nots. "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? 3. A hole in one of a kind model. Wodehouse P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! After 18 holes I can barely walk. How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? 3. A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. Golf is very much like a love affair. Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. Henry Beard, If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you dont have to waste energy going back to pick it up. Quotes tagged as "golf" Showing 1-30 of 130. "Golf is my profession. Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan, 56. Americans infatuated with golf established country and golf clubs, built ornate clubhouses, laid out inland park courses, experimented with new types of equipment, and even modified time-honored rules. Because her coach was a pumpkin. 3. No, but I'm willing to screw in them. The 18 Best Golf Movies You Need To Watch In 2023, Top 14 Golf Podcasts You Should Listen To (Updated 2023), 7 Left Handed Golf Tips To Crush The Competition, 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation, Practicing Golf At Home: 10 Tricks To Improve Your Game. Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. They say golf is like life, but dont believe them. I . What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? Twelfth son of the Lama. I love you and I want you to stay with me., Woman: You dont understandIm a hooker., Man: That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?" Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. The great champions have all come back from defeat. Sam Snead. You'll get wet outside and inside with these sexy quotes. Golf is a game that is special and unique in that there is always something to learn. How far do you hit it? said Palmer. Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? Lift your head and spread your legs. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, Of course. To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. Boo. Nothing it should have ducked. Two rounds a day are plenty. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Dont even putt. It took one afternoon on the golf course. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. And that thought is: Dont think. I like big putts and I cannot lie. You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. I wanna take out your golf clubs and score a HOLE in 1. 56 Golf Pick Up Lines Many golfing terms sound naughty. Dirty Golf Sayings. That's why I'm hoping you, Bleacher Report readers, will add some of your own content in the comments. A dinner without wine. Robert Fuller Murray, The uglier a mans legs are, the better he plays golf. However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. Ana Claudia Antunes, If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Missed the ball and sank the divot. To find a man's true character, play golf with him. Golf turns outdoors into indoors, a prefab mat of stultified grass, processed, pesticided, herbicided, the pseudo-green of formica sterilityThe enemy of wildness, it is a demonstration of the absolute dominion of man over wild nature. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car? Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Andy to ave a water golf ball retriever for the round with you! Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Without trust, it feels like you and your golf club are on opposite sides of a tug-of-war. Dr. Joseph Parent, 9. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. You "Putt" Me In A Great Mood. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. but I can show you what is! Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke thats why weve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about! The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. 63 Archery Pick Up Lines for Bows & Arrows, 23 Table Tennis / Ping Pong Pick Up Lines, 79 Marching Band and Color Guard Pick Up Lines. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. The mark of a great player is in his ability to come back. You're like an ugly dog-leg, but I'd still like to tee off. I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. Try choking donw on the shaft. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. 4. Which is the easiest golf stroke? 2. I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. The lowest score wins. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. I smile at obstacles. Tiger Woods, 13. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. You hit down to make the ball go up. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? See more ideas about golf quotes, golf, golf humor. All through the night they made wild love together. 8. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. Make your partner smile with these adult golf jokes. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. Oh my God, what have I just said?". Sunday Service. In case he gets a hole in one. Who taught Elin Nordegren to swing a golf club? course sometime. Wodehouse, 31. Pick your favorite one from more than 86 quotes about funny golf with images and use it wherever you like. Im going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?, My arms are tired, I had so many strokes..
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